If you need to catch-up on our current struggles with secondary infertility, start here.
I was really, truly hoping this month would turn out differently and that I would have a different set of news to share with you in the coming weeks. I definitely wasn’t hoping this was the kind of post I would be sharing with you, but I also made very sure not to get my hopes up with this first month of fertility treatment. I haven’t even really cried about it yet. Some tears here and there, but I haven’t had one of those good, hard, cleansing cries yet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m heartbroken, but at the same time, I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be our month.
This month I started on 5mg of Letrozole to help me ovulate. I took 5 days worth of the medication and had an ultrasound to assess for follicle growth. Follicles are essentially the developing eggs in my ovaries. To my surprise (and my doctor’s as well), there was not one, but FIVE developing follicles. One on the left and four on the right. Whoa nelly! It was still too early to tell if they would all continue to grow, so we scheduled a repeat ultrasound for two days later. At that point, we were worried we would have to cancel this month’s cycle all together because if five eggs were to release, that could result in five fertilized eggs and possibly five babies as well.
I went to work after that ultrasound with a heavy heart. I immediately had it in my head that was it and we would just have to wait for the following month to try again. However, when I had my follow-up ultrasound two days later, much to our surprise again, only ONE follicle continued to grow. The four others either remained the same size or shrunk further. I did cartwheels out of the office at that point and was relieved to know that this month wasn’t a complete loss. Not yet anyways.
Cory gave me a “trigger shot” of hCG in my butt two days after my ultrasound and we had strict instructions to “try” for at least those three days. He had a little bit too much fun giving me that shot and as a nurse, I was so nervous having a non-licensed person giving me an intramuscular injection! He did great though and I barely felt it!
I took my first “positive” ovulation test this month. However, that was technically a “false positive.” I didn’t realize that the hCG in my system would automatically trigger a positive ovulation test. It was all too fun to see that smiley face for the first time, though!
I had my progesterone levels checked the following Monday and they checked in at 12, which was good, but “borderline” according to my doctor. It did, however, confirm ovulation and that was huge for me, since I haven’t even been ovulating to begin with. She decided against supplementing progesterone and thus began either the wait for aunt flo or the wait to take a pregnancy test.
Needless to say, I didn’t need to take a pregnancy test, if you know what I mean.
And now we’re just back to square one. I went into this knowing there would be continued disappointment and letdowns. I went into this knowing that it would be a roller coaster of emotions. Going up that big hill of anticipation taking the medication, seeing all of those follicles, discovering I did ovulate, trying like crazy, and then for everything to come crashing down in the end. I knew this was a likely result, but I guess after 1 and a half years of trying, I’m almost numb to it all.
I want to be pregnant. So, so bad. I work in OBGYN frequently and I see so many people getting pregnant with ease and so many friends with their happy, healthy babies. I would lie if I said that wasn’t hard. I would lie if I said I didn’t have that tinge of jealousy with a hint of resentment. I hate that I feel that way, but that’s the reality of my situation. Secondary infertility is such a confusing thing.
So, what’s next?
We start over again from scratch this month. I’ll remain on the same dose of medication, we’ll do the ultrasound a little later in my cycle to assess follicle growth, we’ll do a the hCG trigger shot again, but this time we’ll add progesterone supplementation to see if that is effective. I’m also turning over a new leaf as well in my diet and nutrition. I don’t eat that horrible, but I will be eating more clean this month and hopefully for the months to come as well. Thank you to those who shared in the comments of my first post regarding infertility and about doing a more “Whole 30” style diet. I’ve done a lot of research into that since then and have heard a lot of positive results. If anything I’ll be happier and healthier because of it.
To those of you who have e-mailed me, texted me, given me hugs, and just listened to me, I thank you. You make this so much easier. Even though it’s so hard to be vulnerable and share this with personal part of my life, you make it just a little less hard. And for that I feel so thankful and so blessed.
Here’s to another month, more prayers, more patience, and hopefully positive results.