Yesterday I talked about being in kind of a “funk” lately when it comes to blogging. One of the main reasons of that is that I struggle with how much I should share of my pregnancy. Believe me, I’m so happy and so thankful. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this happy, to be honest. I would love to scream my pregnancy from the rooftops and share a bump picture every other day. But, I don’t want it to be in everyone’s faces either. Sure, I post a bump photo every now and then on Instagram, but I feel with a blog post I’m writing multiple paragraphs about my pregnancy and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone feel the way I did when we were struggling to get pregnant.
I remember physically cringing every time I saw someone pregnant. I remember having to find the nearest bathroom or swallow my sadness after yet another pregnancy announcement. I remember feeling immense anger every time a pregnant woman would complain about an ache or a pain because I felt that even that back pain she was feeling with her pregnancy was nothing compared to the emotional ache I felt just not being pregnant. I remember those announcements would always seem to come right after yet another failed pregnancy test at the worst possible time.
I don’t want anyone else to feel that hurt, but I know I’m now a walking, talking reminder of what some people don’t have yet. I absolutely hate that feeling of guilt I carry around with me every day.
I also didn’t share a ton about my pregnancy with Alea. I didn’t have a blog at that time, so I didn’t record a whole lot and I only have a handful of bump photos. I don’t want to overshare with this pregnancy and have it not be “fair” if that makes sense? It’s almost like the opposite you’d expect with a second child. Now with my blog, Instagram, and a smartphone I have the ability to take and share photos literally right at my fingertips constantly! I never had that with Alea!
That all being said, I really, really want to try and share a little bit more about this pregnancy. I’ll try not to share too much, but I also don’t want to forget certain bits and pieces because I was too scared to share certain parts of it on my blog. I do have some pregnancy and baby related posts coming down the pipeline. If you’re currently struggling with infertility, I want to forewarn you to look the other way if you need to. I won’t blame you and it won’t hurt my feelings. I know your struggle and I know your sadness. Just because I’m pregnant right now doesn’t mean I don’t relate to infertility anymore. It’s still a huge part of my life every single day.
Have you dealt with guilt after infertility?